I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer in 2012. After fighting for my life, I came to understand the terrible mental toll that I had paid through that season. I wrote the following post to the women in our private Facebook support group, Booby Buddies, in 2014:

Most of you know I was diagnosed with clinical depression in August. It’s been an interesting journey so far. After doubling, then tripling my anti-depressant, it finally feels as if I’m on the right dosage …. no black cloud hovering over me now. And I’m still regularly seeing my counselor, which has been critical.

This past week, I felt stunned by the info she shared with me, and I wanted to share it with you. It really helped me understand why I feel the way I do right now And it gave me hope. I know some of you will relate.
She made the absolute distinction between my MIND and my BRAIN. My brain is NOT my thoughts or my soul. My brain is the organ that will one day die along with my body. It’s an organ, just like my other organs. And she told me that my BRAIN is DEPRESSED.

Huh? When I was on Herceptin, the docs kept doing an EKG to see if my heart (an organ) was being damaged by the Herceptin. Well, my BRAIN was assaulted by the chemo I was on for a year, and now it’s hurting. My BRAIN is depressed. It has an inability to make decisions or organize. It’s having a hard time retaining info and can be forgetful.

And most importantly, I have brain INERTIA. My MIND may have a thought to do something, but my BRAIN won’t help execute that thought. In a depressed brain, the prefrontal lobe doesn’t get accessed well (that’s where good judgment sits, where we know the consequences of our actions and inactions). Instead, our second brain is accessed. That’s where we’re living in the moment, enjoying immediate gratification, not worrying about future consequences. (Is THAT why I’ve been gaining weight? Ugh).

A depressed brain has no MOMENTUM.
BINGO. I mean SERIOUSLY. BINGO. That sums up where I’m at right now. It’s not that I’m not motivated …. it’s that I have no momentum. I might do ONE thing, but I can’t get rolling to do the next. It’s beyond frustrating.
She said it takes longer for our brains to come back because it’s a much more complex system. It can be affected very easily by negative thoughts or words. My marching orders are to not take on any tasks that have a long-range impact and to give my BRAIN lots of mercy and lovingkindness.

My BRAIN is the one in pain … the only way to turn it around is to make my brain a more pleasant environment. I am choosing positive thoughts, telling my brain that it will come back. I’ve had great success with self-talk in the past (God cured me of fibromyalgia through that process a few years ago), so this concept of talking to my brain isn’t foreign …. “Thank you for helping me. You’re gonna be fast again. You’ll be back to your old self soon. Don’t worry that you can’t access that information quickly …. I’ll be patient and wait.” I know it sounds nuts to some, but it’s worked for me in the past … so I’m doing it again. I need to create a safe internal world for my brain.

IMPORTANT. The analogy my counselor gave me is that when a heavy object is sitting on the nap of a carpet for a long period of time, the only way for that nap to rise again is for the heavy object to be removed … and to protect that area for any further pressure. We need to be kind to our BRAINS, ladies. Those of us fighting depression need to lower the stress in our lives so the “nap” of our brains can fluff up again! We need to focus on rest, destressing and healing.

Thanks for listening. xoxox