I believe losing a child is the most brutal loss there is, but I hope what I have learned from the death of my son can help you in some small way.

To the parents reading this who have lost a child, I wish I could hug you and make the pain go away, but unfortunately, nobody can. I want to tell you that the pain goes away, that time heals, that one day you wake up, and that ache is gone, and the piece of your soul that was ripped out fills in, but I would be lying. Frankly, I don't want the pain to disappear because the grief I feel is proof that I loved deeply; I loved my son unconditionally. For 15 years, I was able to see him grow. I held him, dried his tears, and healed his scrapes. I even helped keep the imaginary monsters at bay. Unfortunately, I couldn't keep the real monsters at bay: suicide and depression. I try to focus on my time with him, but it doesn't always work. A wise man once told me that when we lose a loved one, we not only lose them, we grieve for the life we were supposed to have with them. I have found this to be incredibly accurate.

I can tell you that the ache does, to an extent, dissipate. In the beginning, you feel like you are drowning. As time passes, the waves of grief are a little less, then lesser still. The days I am wholly engulfed are fewer than before, but I will forever grieve my son and the life he was supposed to have, along with the life I was supposed to have with him.

For the moms and dads just starting on this horrific journey, here are some things I want to share:
1. Be kind to yourself. You have suffered an incredible loss, one I believe is the worst loss a person can experience. It will be incredibly difficult. You will feel some things that are normal; you may also feel like you are going crazy, but you are not. Many of us feel the same way.

2. Be patient, it will take time.

3. Getting to a better place takes work; I promise it is worth it.

4. If you can, join a support group. We attended an in-person group, but I realize that not everyone can attend a physical meeting. Find a supportive one online if you can't join a face-to-face group. Losing a child is a unique grief, and only those who have lost a child can understand. Those who haven't lost a child will try to understand, but they will be unable to.

5. If the group you join is not supportive, leave and find a different one. This is critical. Never be afraid to find a group that works for you. Nothing is wrong with you if you join a group that doesn't work; it just doesn't fit your current needs. I want to advise giving it at least three weeks. Sometimes, the first week is tough, and it may take multiple weeks to understand the dichotomy of the group. Give yourself that time unless it is an abusive situation. If that is the case, immediately leave and do not look back.

6. If you can, seek one-on-one counseling. I understand that counseling may not be for everyone, but having someone that you can talk to about anything, especially your child, can be a considerable comfort. Many counselors will listen without judgment and try to help you navigate the peaks and valleys of grief. That can be an invaluable tool. Remember that not every counselor will fit your needs or personality. It may take visits to a few different counselors to find the right one, but when you do, it can profoundly impact you, your loved ones, and your family.

7. Set boundaries. This is crucial. You may have people say a lot of idiotic things. I especially hate "God will not give you any more than you can handle" or "everything happens for a reason." I want to say a few choice words to those people. I realize that they are trying to be helpful, so I hold my tongue, but sometimes bad shit happens, and nowhere does God promise that he will not give you more than you can handle; in fact, that is not a biblical perspective. If people are saying hurtful and unhelpful things, you have every right to speak up. I learned Something very helpful through my grief support group: tell them you know they mean to be helpful, but what they are saying is not. It may be difficult to confront them, but not only will it help you, but it may also help the person(s) from saying something hurtful in the future. If you have negative people in your life who are telling you to get over it, it is perfectly okay to remove those people from your life during this very sensitive time.

8. It is also essential to understand that your grief differs from everyone else's. What someone else is going through might not be what you are experiencing, which is okay. There may also be things that are helpful to one person that may not be helping you. That is perfectly okay and normal. You have to do what is right for you.

9. I want to reiterate being kind to yourself and being patient. Take care of yourself. If you can, get enough rest and make sure you are eating. This sounds counterintuitive because you will not have an appetite, and your sleep may be disturbed, but it can help with the grief.

10. I'm going to be completely honest with you, this sucks, and nothing in the world can compare to the pain and the agony you feel with the loss of your child. Those of us who have lost a child understand entirely.

11. You're blaming yourself and wondering what you could have done differently. I still do it to this day, but please understand it is not your fault. I needed to hear that over and over again. I constantly played the night of my son's death over and over in my head, and I continually thought of different scenarios that would have saved him. Unfortunately, that cost me more pain and didn't change a thing. I know you'll do it; I did and still do it, and every parent I know has done it. I implore you to keep telling yourself it is not your fault.

12. It does become easier; the waves of grief threaten to drown you in the beginning, but they do lessen. I won't lie to you and tell you that I don't have days when the waves overwhelm me, but those days are a little farther apart now.

13. Please let people help you, and don't push them away, especially your spouse. If you are married, be there for each other. It isn't easy, but I promise it is worth it. I typically isolate during times of great pain or sadness, and this can make my grief much worse. I know it also worries my husband. He wants to help, and I have often gone to the room and grieved alone. Sometimes, I need to do this, but the times I have let my husband in have been an enormous comfort. Never forget that people love you and genuinely want to help.

14. The most important lesson I can convey is leaning into God. Spirituality has been proven to help with grief. We will never understand why we lost our child, but knowing that God is there to help with your loss is such a comfort. After the loss of Jake I prayed a lot. I leaned on God not only for comfort but also for guidance. I was led to read a book called Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering by Tim Keller. This book was a life-saver. As stated, I will never comprehend losing Jake, but I know he is with God, and I feel a peace that absolutely defies logic and understanding. I pray you can find this as well.

I am terribly sorry that you have joined this club; nobody should have to bury their child.

To locate a suicide survivor support group near you, please visit save.org or find a group through AFSP.

To learn more about The JEM Foundation, visit our About Us page.