Unfortunately, I will never know whether the medication I put my son on for depression and anxiety played a part in his suicide. He died January 11 of 2016. The day all my nightmares came to life.

Jake struggled with mental Illness practically his entire life. We had been dealing with violent outbursts since he was 2. The older he became the worse and more dangerous the flare-ups. He never attacked people, but would often throw things, and in a complete paroxysm of rage, threw furniture, books, cookware, glasses, anything readily accessible including bookshelves. As he grew I heard “advice” from many;

“he needs more discipline”
“spank him”
“pray more”
“he needs more exercise”

I know people were trying to be helpful, but it was anything but. Nobody wanted to explore the issue that something was wrong. We saw many doctors and unfortunately were left with more questions than answers. Nobody could tell us what was wrong. They diagnosed him with ADHD and tried to put him on ADHD medication. I knew there was more to his diagnosis and kept researching. It took several years of misdiagnosis from uncaring and arrogant doctors, but we finally found a doctor that would listen and who cared. Jacob’s brain was definitely sick. He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, DMDD (disruptive mood dysregulation disorder), ADHD, Bi-polar disorder, and possible PTSD from prior traumas. He was hurting. The worse thing in the world for a parent is watching their child’s pain and knowing you can’t take it away. I wish I could have taken that pain from him. No child should feel that hopeless.

I constantly ask the “what if” questions:
“What if I hadn’t put him on meds”
“What if we had not left to go the store”
“What if I could have done more”
“What if”…..

After more research I do believe my son suffered from PTSD or what they are now referring to as PTSS (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome). A simple test that measures childhood trauma called ACEs could have provided more insight into the issue, but we were unaware of it. During my studies over the last year, I also discovered DNA testing through a simple blood test that will measure the most effective medications for your child and the ones they will have bad reactions to. Why were we not made aware of the test with all the doctors we had seen? More “what ifs”.

Please don’t get the wrong perception. Jake was an amazing kid. He had a huge heart and after each outburst he would fall into a deep depression. He was mortified. Over and over he would tell me was a monster. My heart ached after hearing those words; he was anything but. He was truly a special kid. I know all parents feel that way about their children, but if you could have met Jake I think you would have agreed. He had an immense amount of compassion for others and loved to laugh. He was the kid who stood up for those being bullied. He remembered being bullied in elementary school and the pain associated with it. He was not going to stand aside and let it happen to someone else in Jr. High and High School. Jacob made it a point to ensure that his classmates felt included. He greeted his friends with a beautiful smile and did his best to cheer them up when they were down. He was extremely gifted with computers and had a very bright future. His dream was to serve his country by joining the Air Force after high school. He had a passion for life but unfortunately struggled desperately with anxiety and depression. The violent outbursts became too much for me, a single mother to handle. I attempted natural remedies to help with his depression. We changed his diet and he received plenty of exercise. He loved to play hockey and football. When those options failed we took him to a doctor and they recommended medication. I was nervous about putting him on antipsychotics but didn’t know what else to do. We were desperate. The doctors changed his meds several times over a couple year span and my son was hospitalized twice in two years for suicidal ideation. Jake was getting worse.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am not opposed to anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication, but they can make the depression worse, especially in teens. During his hospitalizations his meds were changed. Both times the hospital released Jake in only 5 days. This is dangerous and irresponsible. It takes a minimum of 4-6 weeks to know how a person will be affected by medication, especially in teens. Their hormones can wreak havoc on the medicines. The average hospital stay for kids with suicidal ideation is 3-5 days. That is definitely not enough time to determine a child’s reaction to a change in dosage or new meds.

After the second hospital stay, Jake did seem to be improving, and for the first time in a long while I began to have hope. We had removed the door to Jake’s bedroom for fear he would hurt himself. We put his door back on just a few days before. My husband Ben whom I had recently married, agreed that Jake was doing much better. Did the change in medication make his suicidal ideation worse? Did it take away his reasoning? Did it take away his hope or did it help in some small way? I don’t know. Unfortunately, I will never know and it haunts me. I know it will for the rest of my life.

For the parent reading this, get your child DNA tested to determine the best medications for their mental illness. Look into different testing methods like ACEs if you suspect prior trauma. I couldn’t save Jacob but I want to help you save your child. That is Jake’s legacy. His work here on Earth isn’t done.