Let’s face it, being a parent is hard work. It’s probably the hardest job you will ever have. Adding special needs to parenting can make it seem almost impossible. To the mother facing that challenge I have a message: you are not failing, nor are you a failure.

I remember days when my son Jake would have a particularly bad day. I worked from home so when he got home, I would take a quick break to talk to him about his day at school. I could always tell how his depression was that day by how angry he seemed. He would do OK at school, but always felt comfortable enough with me to show his anger on bad days. Jacob would go between sadness and extreme anger. On the days he was very angry, it could escalate quickly. I would try to stay calm and patient, but it was frequently difficult. I can’t tell you how many times I would rush to my room, go to the closet and close the door so my kids wouldn’t hear me, and start sobbing. I always felt like I was doing something wrong, like I was the worst parent in the world. If I was a great mom like everyone said, then why was my son having so many issues? I was a single mother, so it all fell to me. Please understand, I am not complaining, I love my children and am blessed beyond measure to have them call me mom, but there were days when it all seemed too much. I felt like a failure. Jake would often apologize after his outbursts. Oftentimes he would say that he felt like a monster because he would become so angry. Hearing my child say that is one of the hardest things I have ever heard. It broke my heart then and it is still torn to pieces today. I would hold him and tell him he was definitely not a monster. He was one of the most compassionate people I had ever met, and I told him frequently what a gift from God that was. I was very proud of his kindness. I have told my kids often, that of all the things they can be, I want them to be kind. Jacob had a huge heart. I reminded Jacob frequently that he was dealing with something that even adults don’t understand: mental illness. He struggled with depression, disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), bipolar disorder, and he struggled with massive ups and downs. In a lot of cases his depression displayed as anger. This is common in teens. He was an amazing kid who had an insidious illness called depression.

Being a single mother is hard, being a single mother with a special needs child can seem insurmountable. I understand the feeling that you are missing something, that your kids would be doing better if you were a more fitting parent. You see, I felt this way frequently. I’m not sure why, but women seem to hold themselves to an almost impossible standard, especially mothers. But I am here to tell you that if you love your children and you’re doing everything in your power to help them, you are not a failure. You’re a great mom who is dealing with an almost impossible challenge. Give yourself a break, you are doing the absolute best you can, and not only are they a blessing, but you are a blessing to them.